Well, I have been home now for two weeks and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. And not just because it is 9 below right now in Chicago and 61 in Houston. It's more that I feel as though I have been pushed off of a cliff and I'm free falling. When I was in Texas, I was monitored so closely, almost daily, so I had a sense of security. Now I go my hospital here once a week to have my blood drawn to check my counts. But there isn't a team meeting with me afterwards to discuss the results, what to do next or when to come back. I simply look over the results myself and fax them to the hospital in Texas. My counts have gone down a bit, which I know is normal to have them fluctuate, but I can't help but feel anxious. What if I get sick? Do I have a cold or am I just cold because it's so cold out? What if I have been around someone who is sick? What if I get pneumonia?..............

I will be going back to MD Anderson in February and once a month thereafter for a year. This first visit will be the biggest anxiety provoker because I will have my first set of scans since my stem cell transplant. I have put so much hope, faith and belief in this trial, but I have come to a time where I must face the reality that there is a chance it did not work. And then what?

When I was in Houston and would wear my mask to protect me from getting sick, I would get the occasional strange look or stare, which I expected. But here, people are downright rude. They whisper, point and laugh. And I'm not talking about children. These are adults! I had a comfort zone in Houston. I was a full time patient. I had an agenda. The first couple days home I truly forgot what I had just been through and went about my business as I had before. But then the exhaustion kicked in to the point where I could hardly move and the crippling bone pain made it hard to go up and down stairs, sit or stand, and I was reminded that I still am a patient.

I know I must have patience and wait for my strength to come back. Thanks to my sister Maribeth, my trip to Florida next week should help. Hopefully the warm weather will give me the patience I need to wait this time out. And hopefully my scans will be fine and I no longer will be a cancer patient!

Love,

Jen